Heartbreak makes us go through 5 different stages until we have processed the pain of separation.
Heartbreak is usually more than a single feeling that overtakes us when a beloved partner breaks up.
The pain of love is much more determined by very different emotions, which are felt more or less intensely. Generally, heartbreak can be divided into five different phases. We go through a roller coaster of emotions. In general, however, we unfortunately feel bad and torn inside during each of the heartbreak phases. The five phases represent an orientation.
Everyone goes through each phase in a different way: while one person may go through each phase relatively quickly, another may remain in one of the phases for a long time. Hanging is also possible. We then make no progress in the process of dealing with heartbreak. At the latest now professional help is advisable.
Separation pain is an essential part of our lives. Sooner or later, everyone suffers from heartbreak that cannot be put into words and above all makes you sad, saddened, maybe even angry and drives you almost to despair. Depending on the stage of heartbreak we are in, we feel different emotions. In many cases, the actual heartbreak begins before the breakup, which is especially due to one’s ability to intuition. The chance of overcoming the pain of love permanently and conclusively exists above all if those affected live through all the phases of heartbreak. So it seems inevitable to have to endure each phase on its own. Fortunately, it is possible to drastically shorten the duration of each phase with EMDR in self-coaching or coaching, effectively reducing the perceived stress.
First stage of heartbreak – first premonitions and denial.
In most cases, at the end of the relationship, we don’t want to admit to ourselves that somehow things just aren’t going well anymore. Inside we feel that something is wrong and something has changed. Nevertheless, we usually do not consciously perceive the first phase of separation pain. We deny our premonitions and struggle more or less subconsciously with the complexity of conflicting feelings and emotions during this time. Fears of loss occur more intensely during this lovesickness phase.
Often we just don’t want to admit that something doesn’t fit and pretend that everything is fine, hoping that our feeling is wrong. But at the latest, when our partner expresses the actual desire for a separation, it usually hits us like a slap in the face and gradually the past weeks or months run before our inner eye. Now we are sure that we were right with our premonition from the beginning and should have trusted our feeling. Abandoned people, however, should by no means blame themselves for not recognizing the signs. Because it is quite natural that we do not talk about this premonition and prefer to be in good hope that the tide will turn and everything will be fine again.
Often we do not even notice this phase consciously, but only subconsciously. It only enters our consciousness when it is already too late.
Second phase of heartbreak – shock and numbness
In the second phase, the heartbreak begins to take us over completely, because now the realization of the separation hits us deep in the heart. Our partner pronounces the separation and we feel abandoned and are left deeply hurt. It is the time when our feelings break open completely. And it feels like a nightmare that you just can’t seem to wake up from. At this moment we don’t really know what to do with ourselves and with our entire emotional world. We feel absolutely powerless, equally frozen and paralyzed. Everything seems to slip out of our hands. But this sub-process and our actions are also part of the heartbreak stages. Finally, the very person we love from the heart reveals to us that he does not want to continue to be part of our lives.
In the following time, we only arrange our everyday life in a routine way. However, joy, happiness and hope have died for the time being. Our thoughts are constantly circling around the separation. We look for reasons and go through an increasingly intense heartbreak that drives us to the brink of despair.
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Third stage of heartbreak – fighting and suffering
Once the initial shock is over, we seem to mobilize new forces and nurture hopes. Because now we are starting to become active again. But not in the sense of playing sports, meeting friends or going dancing, but with focus on the beloved. We try by all means to save our relationship and win back the ex. We are ready to make any compromise in the hope that he or she will come back to us after all. Our emotions take on unimagined dimensions during this phase. Most of them didn’t even know they were capable of feeling such tremendous emotions until then. However, this phase is also one of the most dangerous heartbreak phases.
Not infrequently, we overburden the beloved with our offers and our actionism, with which we usually achieve exactly the opposite. Because he or she moves further and further away from us, until at some point the last spark of love and affection has dried up. Obvious annoyance and emotional coldness strike us and put us over the top. We usually suffer a lot because after the breakup we now also have to deal with the direct rejection of the former partner. This third heartbreak phase is extremely stressful for us. Our own feelings are no longer controllable and jump from one extreme to the next. But there is hope, because once we get through this heartbreak phase, things will keep going uphill.
Fourth stage of heartbreak – admission and anger
The back and forth of feelings from the third phase is now followed by the crucial heartbreak phase. Because now we are ready to admit the end of the relationship. This realization is usually very painful and above all associated with grief and pain of love. We reach our emotional nadir and see the light at the end of the tunnel only in a blur, if at all. Any hope has left us in the long run, it seems. In addition, we are always plagued by anger – both at ourselves and at the ex-partner, as we look for someone to blame for the emotional disaster.
These are all normal, albeit painful, processes that anyone who is abandoned has to go through. It is important to allow this time, as well as the heartbreak phases before, to eventually overcome it. It is helpful to reduce the distressing symptoms of heartbreak, which is usually very successful, especially with the use of EMDR. Intervention with rapid eye movements helps to lower mental and emotional stress.
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Fifth stage of heartbreak – Accept and grieve – or despair?
The end is near. In the last of the heartbreak stages, the real deep grief begins. Now, above all, we are inwardly ready to accept the end of the relationship and admit to ourselves that there is no going back. We now know that we must take our lives into our own hands and continue on a new path. We are afraid because we do not know what to expect. In addition, we can now look at the past time a little more objectively and begin to analyze the reasons for the separation in more detail. At any rate, this describes the normal and ideal case.
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In the worst case, however, we can slip into despair. Should this occur, we are not yet ready to overcome the heartbreak. We may return to a previous heartbreak phase and have to start all over again from that point. If the pain of separation is so deep-seated that it seems impossible to get through it, it is advisable to become active now at the latest – the path to self-help is open to everyone.
Experts who have been dealing with the stresses of heartbreak and its phases for years know to report: no one should suffer from heartbreak longer than necessary -there are ways to reduce one’s stress quickly and effectively. EMDR self-coaching offers a usually effective way as a helpful method.
