As we cope with our heartbreak, there is much we can do to make it more bearable.
Heartbreak is indisputably one of the most unbearable feelings a person can experience. The pain is deep in the heart, anchored in the chest. In general, one feels unwell, weary and infinitely sad. Everything loses its meaning and there is almost nothing worth getting up for in the morning. One feels lonely and abandoned, misunderstood, begins to doubt oneself. If you’re not careful, the spiral keeps going down. Heartbreak can take on so many different facets and each time it feels a little different. No one wishes to experience the heartbreak. The pain of love hits you exactly where it hurts the most: in the heart and often also in the mind, because doubts about oneself and one’s own view of the world can also be part of a pronounced heartbreak.
You’d love to grab the heartbreak, bury it deep in a safe, and double lock the door so it just never comes out. That would do quite well initially, but at some point we have to get it out again and face our task. Heartbreak needs to be processed, our heart needs to be allowed to heal.
Take heartbreak for granted!
Heartbreak is an important part of any breakup. Without it, we are deprived of the possibility of closure. The pain of separation helps us look deep within ourselves, process our broken relationships, and bring closure with our ex-partner. As painful as the feeling is, it still has to be lived through and endured. Only in this way can we make peace with the love that has passed and, more importantly, with ourselves.
Generally, heartbreak can be divided into five phases. The first phase begins before the separation and makes itself felt with the first premonitions that we like to deny. The second phase follows, which can basically be compared to a punch in the face or stomach – the partner expresses the desire for a separation. In the third phase we begin to negotiate, because we do not want to lose the beloved partner at any price in the world. We then move into the fourth phase and respond with an admission or even anger. The final phase is the fifth, in which we accept what has happened or we are close to despair.
To overcome heartbreak, it is advisable to go through all the stages. It is helpful if we get involved with each phase. Because only in this way can we face the tasks of the respective phase. The goal, of course, is to check off the last phase once we get over our love pain. Only then will we have conquered the heartache over the loss of the past relationship; and if we have devoted ourselves carefully and persistently enough to the tasks of the 5 phases, we will perhaps also have cleansed our hearts of all the relationships and lost ex-partners that we have also gone through before. Because our emotional memory stores all the disappointments and losses of the past deep within us.
A new partnership with another person has the greatest chance of making us happy and satisfied if we free our body memory from old painful memories. Because our lived relationship patterns are a consequence of these memories.
For this we need not only time, but also patience. There is no way around it, the only path leads through it. If we do not want to follow this path now, we will have to do so at a later time. Maybe as soon as the next relationship ends because we started it (repeatedly) prematurely with all our emotional baggage. When it comes to overcoming heartbreak, our body memory is hard to trick.
However, we can help ourselves or be helped. With the help of EMDR in coaching or self-coaching we can fulfill our tasks of the individual phases more consciously, in order to cope with the pain of separation thus faster and to get through it more stress-free.
Grief may be allowed!
As painful as it is and as much as we try to resist it – the heartache may and should be allowed. Mourning the love that has passed is the task of phase 5. Let us remember that heartbreak is something natural. After all, you have lost a loved one. However, you have to face these feelings, even if you would prefer to fight them tooth and nail.
How one grieves is entirely up to the individual’s own needs. If we feel strong enough, we can also consciously amplify our grief at special moments for a set duration (perhaps 60 minutes; not too long):
- we can reminisce
- flip through the joint photo album
- reflect on the many great experiences and situations
- listen to the songs that accompanied our relationship
After the time has expired (set the alarm clock or timer in the cell phone), it is our task to consciously distance ourselves from the heartbreak again and calm ourselves down. Then distraction is called for.
Occasional distraction helps to overcome heartbreak!
If you only lie in bed, your thoughts automatically revolve only around the pain and grief surrounding your ex. It is almost impossible to overcome heartbreak in this way. Often their own withdrawal and being alone makes for even greater separation pain. One’s own self-esteem sinks. Distraction can help here to get other thoughts.
Our friends usually give us strength. An evening at the movies together or simply going out to eat with friends keeps us connected to normal everyday life and protects us from loneliness.
Seek self-confidence and increase self-esteem
A typical side effect of heartbreak is blaming oneself. After a separation, the question always arises: Why? And often the answer is sought in oneself. Suddenly, everything you’ve ever done is wrong, you feel bad, and your self-esteem automatically plummets.
It’s good not to put all the blame on yourself! However, it is best not to try to pinpoint a culprit at all. Breakups, as painful and tragic as they are, just happen when it’s time.
There are plenty of reasons for this. Everything changes at some point. It is also possible that the framework conditions for the relationship have simply changed? Maybe the common wishes and ideas have diverged? Perhaps other goals were simply pursued? There are numerous reasons that bring about a cut in the relationship. So there’s no reason to be plagued with self-doubt and recriminations, one would think. But one’s own self-esteem suffers from being abandoned. For this very reason, it helps a lot to strengthen self-esteem again.
Let go! Heartbreak leads to cling reflex
When we lose something that is very important to us, we want it back as soon as possible. No matter what it is – we want to keep it. In particular, the partner, without whom we can no longer imagine life, should not be lost under any circumstances. Consequently, we try to stick to it even after a separation. Almost always, abandoned people carry the hope that the ex-partner might come back. However, the longer we hold on to the ex-partner, the more intense the heartache that we actually want to overcome becomes. It’s so hard to let go, but necessary in order to have closure with the relationship and deal with the pain of separation. Since we regularly feel fear of loss in such a situation, we support our process of detaching from the former partner by facing and conquering our fears.