“Yes, I lied to you.” Maybe it’s that one sentence that keeps coming back to you since the conversation. The lie has been confirmed, but that doesn’t answer your questions. Coming to terms with a breach of trust involves several steps: clarifying what happened, dealing with your own emotional burden, and assessing whether trust can be rebuilt. Less inner tension wouldn’t undo what happened. Nor does it obligate you to trust again.
What happened and how it makes you feel
After discovering a lie or infidelity, anger, sadness, and uncertainty can all coexist. Maybe you want answers; maybe you just need some distance from the conversation for now. You don’t have to make a final decision about the relationship right away.
It’s helpful to keep two questions separate. What do you actually know about the breach of trust, and what key information is missing? What goes through your mind when you think about the moment you found out? The first question concerns the other person’s behavior. The second concerns your reaction to it today. Just because the two are related doesn’t mean they’re the same task.
For example, you can be certain that a date was kept secret. “Then everything between us was a lie” goes even further. This thought can express just how deeply unsettled you feel. It should neither be hastily accepted as fact nor dismissed as a mere overreaction.
An apology doesn’t answer every unanswered question
When the other person apologizes, you can assess what they’re taking responsibility for. Do they specify the specific action? Do they answer important questions without blaming you for the lie? And do their subsequent actions align with what they promised?
A conversation can show a willingness to change. Whether that translates into reliability will only become clear as you continue to interact. You don’t have to rely solely on the strength of your feelings to determine whether you can trust again. Even temporary relief isn’t proof that the behavior has changed.
Conversely, trust cannot be built through constant surveillance. If you can only feel at ease when you have access to every account or message, that’s a reason to talk about the terms of your relationship and, if necessary, seek professional help. Reaching a mutual understanding requires voluntary, transparent agreements.
If that discovery scene keeps coming back to your mind
It may be that, objectively speaking, some things have already been cleared up, yet a certain moment still weighs on your mind. You remember the confession at the kitchen table. Added to that is the phrase “I didn’t notice a thing,” perhaps along with shame or anger at yourself and a knot in your stomach. Now it’s not the entire relationship that’s before you, but a specific moment and its significance.
Thomas Buhl, an EMDR and trauma therapist, has developed his own six-step self-coaching process for managing mild everyday stress. This process involves considering a chosen topic, the current emotion, and perceptible bodily sensations together. Bilateral stimulation, particularly guided eye movements, is a component of this process.
EMDR self-coaching can therefore be considered a possible way to address the limited internal aftereffects of a situation. It is not a method for determining whether the other person will be honest in the future. Nor should you work through a justified hurt until you can accept it.
The prerequisites are a safe environment and a limited, manageable, non-pathological level of stress. A new discovery that overwhelms you is not a reason to start working through it on your own right away. If you want to use EMDR on your own, you first need to complete the full training program, including its suitability and safety guidelines. If you feel overwhelmed, you may stop; persistent, severe distress requires professional support. Self-coaching is not a substitute for therapy.
Coming to terms with something requires neither forgiveness on demand nor a fixed deadline
The question “How long will this take?” is understandable. However, it’s not possible to determine a reliable timeframe based on that alone. It makes a difference whether new untruths come to light, whether unresolved issues are clarified, and what kind of support you have. Setting a deadline by which you’re expected to trust again doesn’t create those conditions.
Forgiveness and deciding to continue the relationship are also separate decisions. You can take your distress seriously and want relief without already knowing whether you want to stay. If a conversation repeatedly leads to pressure or accusations, independent counseling can help you clarify your needs and options.
If you’re facing intimidation, coercion, or violence, your safety takes priority over working on the relationship. If you’re experiencing emotional distress that significantly interferes with your daily life, seek medical or psychotherapeutic help instead of pushing yourself to process it on your own.
How to Determine Your Next Step
Maybe what you need next is an answer to a specific question. Maybe you’d like to talk to someone outside the relationship. Maybe it’s about working through that distressing discovery with professional guidance. Choose based on what’s on your mind right now.
Keep two things in mind as you do this: How do you feel about what you’ve experienced? And what does the other person’s actual behavior reveal? You can allow yourself to feel more at peace while continuing to have clear expectations regarding honesty and reliability.
