When you’re experiencing acute fear of making mistakes, it helps to distinguish between a possible practical consequence and an emotional expectation. A wrong date needs to be corrected; the idea that you might be judged negatively because of a small mistake can add to the stress. EMDR self-coaching offers a possible way to address the inner reaction in such a limited, manageable everyday situation. The necessary care and professional review remain in place.
You’ve written the message with the schedule details. You move the mouse pointer over “Send” and pause. What if there’s a mistake after all? Maybe your heart is beating faster. You can already picture the angry reply in your head, even though no one has read your email yet.
Right now, it’s not about phrasing things particularly well. You’re worried about the consequences of a possible mistake. It’s precisely this concern that deserves a closer look before you force yourself to click or decide to leave the message alone.
What would a mistake actually cause here?
First, identify what might be wrong. A date entered incorrectly? A missing attachment? A detail you don’t yet know for sure? As long as you’re just thinking, “Something might be wrong,” it remains unclear what kind of check would actually help.
Compare the information in question with a reliable source. If you don’t have one, find one. Also, consider what the consequences of a mistake would be and whether it could be corrected. An inappropriate choice of words in a private message is not the same as an incorrect safety-related instruction.
If there are significant technical, financial, or safety-related consequences, mandatory inspections or the involvement of a second qualified person may be necessary. These requirements apply regardless of how calm or anxious you feel. Feeling relieved does not replace a factual review.
When it comes to appointment emails, however, the necessary checks can be straightforward: verify the recipient, date, time, and, if applicable, any attachments based on the agreed-upon details. If you find a genuine error, correct it. Not every concern is unfounded.
The expected response is not yet a result that has occurred
Perhaps the information is accurate, but you still picture someone rolling their eyes. This makes the potential mistake take on a personal meaning: “Then they’ll think I’m incompetent.” Or: “Something like that should never happen to me.” Just imagining this can trigger fear or shame.
Such an internal reaction can be more intense than the objectively expected outcome would suggest. That doesn’t mean you’re intentionally getting worked up. Perhaps the situation reminds you of past criticism. Perhaps you’re simply putting yourself under a lot of pressure right now. You can’t determine the cause based on the feeling alone.
Sometimes an angry reaction is indeed possible. Even then, you still need to decide whether you want to verify the information, ask for clarification, or work through your inner turmoil. You don’t have to convince yourself that everyone will react kindly, nor should you treat the feared rejection as a foregone conclusion.
Take a moment to observe: What exact response are you expecting? What do you fear that response would say about you? How does that make you feel? Also pay attention to whether you notice a tight stomach, warm cheeks, or a racing heart. A physical reaction is not proof that the email is wrong.
The feared scenario can be narrowed down
One possible topic for EMDR self-treatment, for example, is the moment immediately before sending the message: You imagine the critical response, think, “A mistake would be unforgivable,” and feel tension. This specific expectation is more narrowly defined than the wish to never again be afraid of making mistakes.
You can also reflect on a specific past experience if that particular memory is causing distress and remains manageable. However, it is not necessary to find an old memory. In the video tutorial on self-coaching, Thomas Buhl also explains how to work with upcoming tasks and your current experience.
The six-step approach he developed combines the selected topic with the perception of emotions and bodily sensations, as well as bilateral stimulation—in particular, guided eye movements. The goal is to work through the distress associated with this scene. Whether anything changes is assessed based on the individual’s own experience; the recipient’s actual reaction cannot be predicted in this way.
If you want to use EMDR as a self-help tool, start by learning the complete process. To do this, choose a specific, non-pathological everyday stressor that you can handle well. This brief description is not a substitute for a guide. Thomas Buhl, an EMDR and trauma therapist, presents his structured self-coaching approach in a book and video tutorial.
Choose a quiet setting for this exercise, where you can gather your thoughts and stop at any time. Recalling a distressing memory under time pressure just so you can finally submit your work is not a sensible task. If you feel overwhelmed or are dealing with traumatic content, you should seek professional guidance. Persistent severe anxiety that interferes with your daily life should also be evaluated by a professional.
Make decisions based on the verified information
Then return to the message. What details have you checked, and what questions remain unanswered? If any relevant information is still missing, clarify it. Once you’ve checked the necessary points, you can send the email, even if not every uncertainty has been completely resolved.
You don’t need to promise yourself that you’ll be flawless in the future. When it comes to a correctable everyday matter, all it takes is a concrete approach to a possible mistake: If a piece of information turns out to be wrong, you correct it. That’s a course of action, not a prediction that everything will go smoothly.
With EMDR, you can work through this stressful expectation. You can verify whether your message is factually correct by referring to reliable sources. This leads to the next step: asking a necessary follow-up question, correcting an error, or sending the verified message.
