Coping with separation pain more bearably with EMDR self-coaching and in coaching
When the partner leaves, the person left behind is usually overwhelmed by feelings of heartbreak. An important and decisive phase of grief is the pain of separation, which often strikes out of the blue and causes suffering and heartache with a tremendous force. Sadness, anger, disappointment and self-doubt become daily companions and freeze the once so happy life in togetherness into a gray, lonely place, which is often called despair. One tries to somehow brush off the pain of separation, even to overcome it through ignorance. But this often goes wrong and in the evening at the latest the thoughts about the ex-partner come back with concentrated force. One seems to sink into a deep hole from which there seems to be no way out. Now the task is to somehow master the phases of heartbreak. But the pain of love is not in vain. Thus, circumventing or ignoring it, should that be possible at all, does not make sense.
Experiencing separation pain is an important component of heartbreak due to a breakup. Only those who seriously and completely face the pain of separation can put a permanent end to the pain of love. By the way, the pain of separation does not only affect the abandoned. The ex-partner who has decided to break up also suffers the consequences of a breakup. However, in a different intensity and dimension.
Coping with the pain of separation: From abandonment and abandonment
Relationships do not usually end overnight. The person who decided to make the cut has, on the one hand, reasons for the step and, on the other hand, has been thinking about it for a long time beforehand. She will have undergone a long thought process and prepared precisely for the separation. Many considerations were made, the relationship was analyzed, perhaps even ways out or alternatives to the breakup were sought. Even the abandoned may have been troubled with premonitions before. Perhaps they did not want to admit them and tried to cover them up. The end of the song: the one who leaves has already dealt with the issue, while the one who leaves lived in ignorance and was thrown in front of his head by his counterpart, with the desire for the relationship to end, and put in a state of shock and paralysis. The abandoned person feels intense pain of separation, self-doubt, perhaps anger and hatred towards the other person.
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Likewise, however, the person who leaves also feels a certain pain of separation, but nowhere near as intensely and deeply as the person who leaves. After all, it is the end of a relationship with a person who may have been loved from the heart for a long time.
Breakup pain in women: A personal defeat
For women, the end of a relationship is often comparable to a personal defeat. They react very emotionally and tend to look for faults and reasons for the separation exclusively in themselves. The pain of separation not infrequently leads to intense self-doubt, which in the worst case can last for several months. While women are heartbroken, they also tend to analyze the past relationship intensively and turn it neatly upside down. Everything is to be checked in detail in order to find the most detailed reasons possible. This type of heartbreak and heartache does not only affect women who have been abandoned. Even women who have pronounced the breakup themselves can feel these feelings and especially self-doubt very intensely. The reason for this self-doubt is sometimes pity for the abandoned person, which ultimately does not form the basis for an intact relationship.
Separation pain in men: Men overcome faster
Men have the advantage that they can often process separation pain more quickly. But the pain of love itself is very intense. Moreover, men rarely feel self-doubt and if they do, it is only for a short time. As a rule, men do not take a breakup personally and are convinced from the outset that the past can not be changed anyway. Consequently, they are more likely to look to the future, although a brisk search for a new partner is not uncommon. For women, this is often incomprehensible, with the way the ex-partner deals with the relationship breakup often causing even more intense heartache. However, it must be mentioned that not every man is the same. There are also exceptions, for whom coping with the pain of separation is anything but easy.
Getting over the pain of separation: The way out of heartbreak
As mentioned above, the pain of separation is the second phase of heartbreak. The first phase is characterized by premonitions, which are, however, rarely taken seriously. In the second phase, therefore, we become truly aware for the first time that the relationship can no longer be saved and that the end is not only near, but has already occurred. This phase is incredibly painful and almost drives us out of our minds. We no longer know where the front and back are. But what can we do to not only ease the pain of separation, but to permanently overcome the heartbreak and then move on to the next stage of heartbreak?
Every person is individual and every person feels different emotions in different intensity. The awareness of one’s own body, soul and inner center should therefore always be in the foreground. However, it is important to allow the pain of love.
Tears may and should flow calmly, because this process is quite natural and absolutely normal. Crying is important to cleanse the soul. Of course, you can also think about your ex-partner. With a smile on the face or with a crying eye plays absolutely no role. No one should be ashamed of their feelings, which may well be close to despair. After all, you have lost a person you loved for a long time and still love. This grief is necessary to survive the pain of separation permanently. It is important to bring in positive thoughts as well as negative thoughts. Finally, a few examples:
- In between enduring the pain of separation and allowing yourself to feel sorry for yourself, there should also be times when you do something good for yourself. Even if it's just a warm bath, a walk in the woods, or tea and sweet cookies.
- In the beginning, you may certainly just lock yourself away and not cherish a single contact with the outside world. This is understandable and absolutely normal, after all, you feel bad and absolutely helpless. But besides that, social contacts with friends should be maintained. It's important to get out and socialize, meet with old friends or make new contacts. This distracts and brings a little light into the darkness
- Self-doubt and feelings of guilt, as well as initial hatred towards the other person, are also absolutely normal, but should by no means become a permanent condition. One's own strength should be used much more intensively for something good. Perhaps such a relationship cut can also be used as a learning effect to act differently in later relationships.
EMDR has proven to be extremely helpful in processing heartbreak and separation pain. Whether used as an application in EMDR self-coaching or as EMDR coaching with a coach.
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